


The one where Rey eats a condom

by ReyloBrit



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Condoms, Crack, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren Has a Big Dick, Large Cock, Loss of Virginity, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Throne Room Scene, Virgin Kylo Ren, Virgin Rey (Star Wars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:41:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24863227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReyloBrit/pseuds/ReyloBrit
Summary: Following the defeat of Snoke and his Praetorian guards, Kylo offers his hand to Rey. But things don't go to plan when a gold wrapper Magnum flies out of his sleeve and hits Rey between the eyes.(Or an alternative crack Throne Room scene - originally posted on Twitter)
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 16
Kudos: 150





	The one where Rey eats a condom

**Author's Note:**

> This is silly, very silly!

The bodies of Snoke's guards lie scattered across the ground and sparks tumble from the ceiling, one corner of the room engulfed in flames. Rey rushes to the viewer.

"Ben, quick the rebels! We have to save them."

There's no answer and she spins around quickly, desperate to help her friends.

Ben towers above the sliced body of his master, his head bowed. Then he turns and strides towards her, planting his feet wide and stretching out his black gloved hand.

A small object flies from his sleeve as he says in his deep gravelly voice, "Rey."

The square package strikes Rey firmly between the eyes.

"Ow Ben!" she cries rubbing her forehead. "Did you just throw something at me!"

"No," he says, stumbling forward, "Sorry - please just-"

She scoops down to pick the missile up, just as he attempts to grab it with the force. She grips it firmly between her fingers and for a moment they wrestle it back and forth between them.

"Rey please just give it back!"

"No! Let go."

"Rey!"

"What is it? Peanuts?"

He releases his hold with a sigh and his shoulders slump.

"No, it's not peanuts."

"But it's food right?" She rips open the foil wrapper. 

"No. Please stop."

"What is this?" She holds the circular contents to her nose and sniffs. "Smells like...banana."

"Rey, no, stop, don't put that in your," he hurries towards her, "mouth."

Rey eyes him as her jaw works furiously and her cheeks bulge. "Hmmm tish berry tewy."

"What?"

"CHEWY."

"Spit it out, Rey." He holds out his hand.

She shakes her head, sucking hard.

"It's not food - spit it out!"

She grins and fires it from her mouth and into his palm. 

He grimaces, glancing at the soggy mess. "Lovely."

"What is it then?"

Ben shuffles on his feet. "Hfthjvfgi."

"What?"

"Ufchuthj."

"Why are you mumbling?"

"Protection."

"Protection? It's very small. "

He flips his eyes to hers. "It's extra large."

"Really? I don't see how that would protect you from blaster fire."

He examines her face. "No, Rey, not that kind of protection."

"Oh like a force protection thing."

He coughs. "Never mind."

"How does it work?" She goes to take it from his hand but he snatches it away. She makes to grab for it again, and he twists his fist behind his back.

"For force sake - it's a form of birth control!" he snaps.

"What?" Her mouth drops open and she stares at him with wide eyes. "Birth control?" There's a long drawn out pause, the flames crackle behind them and the electrics sizzle. She tilts her head. "What exactly did you think was going to happen here?"

"I didn't think anything," he says to the floor.

"Oh really?"

"Look you shipped yourself here, with your hair all-"

"My hair all what?"

"Pretty and your eyes all-"

"My eyes?"

He swallows. "Your eyes all sparkly." His eyes float to her parted lips. "And your lips all dewy."

Her eyes flit to his own mouth, full and pouty. A little shiver skits down her spine.Then she shakes her head. "So you thought the best thing to do was to fling birth control at my head. Does this seduction method work for you normally?" She giggles.

He screws up his eyes. "Please stop talking!" 

She snorts loudly. "What normally happens?"

He swipes his hand over his face. "Forget it!"

She grips her sides, gasping for breath she's laughing so hard. "Do the girls just drop their pants?"

"Well they don't usually try and eat the flipping condom!"

Wiping the tears from her eyes, she tilts her head again. "Wait - why did it taste like bananas?"

"Jeez Rey! Do you really not know?"

Placing her hands on her hips, she glares at him. "Oh sorry Mr Prince of Alderon trained by Jedi masters, heir to the Skywalkers! Do I have to remind you where I just spent the last 15 years of my life?!"

"Okay! Okay!" He holds his hands up. "It's flavoured that way, you know, in case…."

"In case what?"

"Your partner would like to…." He nods knowingly.

Rey frowns. "Would like to what?"

"Suckyourdick," he mumbles into his hand.

"Suck your dick…." She says slowly. Once more she tilts her head. "How does that work?"

He buries his face in his hands. "How do you not know this stuff?" He sighs, then meets her eye with a hard look. "You put my dick in your mouth and suck."

"And you'd like me to do that?"

"There are a lot of things I'd like you to do," he says, and she suddenly feels very hot.

With blazing cheeks, she asks, "Like what?"

"Come here and I'll show you," he growls, his hot gaze travelling lazily down her body.

"No."

"No?" he groans, his hands flexing by his sides and his jaw working, then he begins to ramble desperately. "Look, we can take it slowly. There's no rush, no pressure. And we don't have to do it here if you don't want to-"

"Here!"

His voice hitches higher. "I'd want you to have a good time. In fact I want to make you come. And I'm large but I'd be really gentle and careful-"

"Large?"

"And that stuff about other girls," he peers at her sheepishly.

"Ben-"

"-wasnt true. I'm not exactly … very … experienced either."

"BEN!"

"Yes?"

"I'm not sleeping with you-"

"Right." The muscle beneath his eye twitches.

"-until we've saved the rebels."

He crosses his arms over his chest. "Nope. No way. We need to let old things die."

"Shame."

"Shame?" he says, jerking his chin.

"Yes because I really did want to do those things to you."

"You're just saying that to get me to help."

"No I'm not," she says innocently, her own eyes travelling over his broad chest, recalling what it looked like under that nuisance of a tunic. They stand in silence; their breaths coming fast. "So you wouldn't be interested in…." She slides her hands along the curves of her body. His eyes follow the movement. "Or…." She pulls the sleeve of her top down over her shoulder, flashing a glimpse of the top of one breast.

"Are you trying to be sexy?"

Her face falls. "You want me to stop?"

"No," he says quickly, "keep going."

"Right...erm…." Lifting her arm, she unhooks the catches of her top that run down her side, giving her hips what she hopes is a seductive wriggle.

He sighs, rolling his eyes to the ceiling, then swipes his right arm across his body. "Too slow."

"Woah!" Rey screams as her clothes disappear from her body. "The force should not be used for that kind of purpose, Ben!"

"The force was more than willing." Ben's eyes bob up and down in their sockets in time with the bounce of her breasts.

"In that case." She sweeps her own arm out wide and Ben's clothes fly away.

Rey's eyes dash to Ben's groin, and her mouth drops open as she stares at the large object standing to attention between his thighs. "Oh stars! That is big."

"Yep," he says proudly, a smirk on his face.

"There is no way _that_ is going to fit in _here!_ " she says, pointing at him and then towards her pelvis.

"It will."

"I'm telling you it won't. I can only just slide my own fingers inside."

"Your fingers?" he whispers, his cock dancing eagerly.

"It's very tight in there."

He gulps. "Tight!" Liquid oozes from the tip of his head.

Rey sweeps her tongue along her bottom lip. "That does look good enough to eat."

'It does?" he squeaks.

"Uh huh." Her pupils widen, as several images flicker through her mind, and he takes a cautious step towards her. Then she jolts to. "Wait, Ben, we can't!"

"Why?" he whines. 

"My friends." She gestures towards the viewer.

"Fine," he runs his fingers through his sweat dampened hair. "Fine!"

He marches over to the control panel, and she takes the opportunity to admire his very fine arse while he mutters angrily into the intercom. His thighs are equally as admirable - thick and firm - she'd managed to get a little squeeze of one earlier during their fight, when he'd thrust his butt at her. 

A tingle begins between her legs. He had looked really hot during that battle, plunging and driving and thrusting ... and thrusting ... and … thrusting ... yes the thrusting had been-

"Rey! Rey!"

"Huh?"

"It's done."

On the viewer, she can see the firing has stopped and the rebel ships disappear into the black of space.

"Oh Ben," she cries, rushing towards him and flinging her arms around his neck. He stumbles back a step, then grabs her arse firmly with both hands. His lips are on hers in the next moment, feverish and desperate, his tongue sliding between her lips and tasting her completely. She skates her hands over his broad shoulders and muscular chest, enjoying the feel of his smooth skin, very conscious of the hot and throbbing object pressed into her stomach. The tingle grows more urgent. "Wait," she says, pulling back from their kiss.

"What now?!" he groans, flinging back his head.

"How about that protection thing? Will it still work after I ate it?"

"Ah that." His wet mouth finds her neck and he nibbles down from her ear to her collar bone, stretching out an arm as he does. His pile of clothes quiver at the other side of the room and then a whole string of the little square packages (at least twenty) come zooming across the room.

"Stars Ben! How many times were you planning for us to do this?! I thought men needed time to, erm, recover."

"Not when they have the force," he mutters into her shoulder.

"The force really isn't meant to be used that way!"

"I can do other things with it too," he says with mischief, sucking her tit into his mouth and Rey feels the sensitive point between her legs vibrate.

"Ben," she pants, her legs shaking as an overwhelming sensation spreads through her body. "BEEEEEENNNNNNN!"

….

_Later (much much much later!)_

"So how exactly were you planning to seduce me?" she asks, trailing a finger across his chest, wrapped in the newly acquired silk sheets of the Supreme Leader's bed (freshly laundered).

"I was going to offer you my hand and suggest you rule the Galaxy with me." He's flat out on his back, sore and slightly shell shocked. The scavenger sure is a firecracker. And a taskmaster.

She snorts. "Yeah, that wouldn't have worked."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading - I'm ReyloBrit on Twitter if you want to come find me.


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